I have had a couple of rough weeks. I am trying to sort things out. Trying to get back into the swing of things. It started on my return trip from the last time I saw Sally. On the way back I had to stop at a rest area. Normally I try and avoid these. I end up really stressing out. This time I had to. When I came out of the restroom, I had a guy come up from behind me and grab my shoulder. Without thinking I turned and struck out. I ended up hitting him in the chest. As it turned out he started apologizing to me, he was one of my former Marines. He said he should have known better, and had heard what has happened to me. I was scared to death of what I just did. I couldn’t believe I hit someone. This has been one of my biggest fears. I don’t like the idea of hurting others. That is part of why I became a Corpsman. To hurt someone let alone one of my former Marines destroyed me. This started a new turn of events that I am battling with. I made it to the house, and though my meds knocked me out I really didn’t get much rest. I went back to work that Friday and felt extremely stressed out. I felt out of place. Anytime anyone came near me, I felt my anxiety blow through the roof. My entire body hurt as when the anxiety increased my muscles tensed up. Now I am getting to the point of hurting as I reach for the door to go outside, the house I stay in. My doctors tell me I need to keep fighting. I am. I go outside and get the mail, I take trash out. Every time I go outside I hurt. Why do I keep doing it? I don’t know, other than I don’t want to be locked up.
Headaches, muscle pain, nausea, my pulse racing, I can feel my blood pressure raise. I feel the anxiety increase as this weekend comes closer. This weekend I am to be leaving for Fort Stewart to spend time with Sally again. I have been trying to get my mind together so I can make the trip. I keep getting told that I need to go and spend time with Sally. She will become my lifeline. I agree but it is trying to get set into my mind now that I can make this trip. Very nervous about rest areas now. Hoping to be somewhat back into the mindset by Sunday. I could really use the mental break that Sally has provided for me, in the past couple of visits. 3 days and a wake up.
