Sorry for not posting for a while. Been trying to get back into the swing of things here. It is kind of difficult. I had a chance to let my guard down last Wednesday, with SALLY and everything that I had let go came back real hard lately. I started to feel it as I drove back from WV, on Thursday. Friday the feelings of confusion, stress, and fear got a decent grip on me again. I did what any Corpsman would do and sucked it up and carried on with the plan of the day. Saturday came and went, Sunday went the same, till evening. In the evening I started to feel the walls come back up hard. Image in a leader means quite a bit. Concentrating on not letting people around me see when things are bothering me, meant my headaches came back. The image that I am "normal", is my goal. A few see past it. Most don't.
My frustration levels have been peaking out. Little things that normally just bother me like a gnat, have turned into mosquito's. Trying to see the future, is hard. When I go into work my anxiety peaks and I feel on guard again. Not comfortable with people being behind me. Not wanting people to get to close. My fear is of hurting them. Not of them hurting me. My startle response I have noticed has come back stronger than before. Spoke to my Psych today and she said that is a normal response. Once things are let down the mind and body want to get back to the good feelings. How I agree with that. Monday I turned in my TAD request for next week and for next month. I am really looking forward to going. Dealing with things last week with SALLY next to me was a lot easier. I wish I could put it into terms as to how it felt. For those vets that read this, they may understand. While SALLY was with me I was able to trust that my back was covered. No one was going to come up behind me and surprise me. It was relaxing. Something I haven't felt in a long time. I know there are those around me that I could trust with my back. But is the feeling of "FREEDOM", just me and SALLY. Not necessarily having to rely on others. Being on my own. I really wish I could explain, but the words that come to mind don't do the feelings justice. I went to my group on Tuesday and they all asked about how the trip went. As I told them I could see in some of them that they could picture the feelings but could not connect with them. I still get comments of amazement when I tell people about what all SALLY can do. The standing comment has been "I didn't know they could teach a dog to do those things."
Several people keep asking me, "When do we get to meet SALLY." I keep telling them when I am ready to make use of all the things that she offers. I continue to try and push myself. Admittedly sometimes too hard. A couple of times to the point of SALLY my side I may have a chance at a life. Not stuck in the ruts as I feel like I am most of the time.
Something that I didn't say from last week from Wednesday. My amnesia has taken away a lot of memories. Including an entire family. I found out I was married and had 4 kids. 3 girls and a son. My girls lived with me and their mom. I don't remember anything about any of them. One thing I carry with me, is a picture of my girls. Wednesday while I was spending time with SALLY I was talking with her. I showed her a picture of them and asked her if she was going to help me to meet them. SALLY sniffed the picture. Licked each of the girls in the picture, and then turned and gave me a kiss. Kind of like she was telling me yes she will help. A little piece of hope in a mind full of fear and confusion. Maybe one day I can meet them. Maybe!!
